The year in review

This is a guest post by my old friend the British Conservative Member of Parliament, Dame Gladys Featherstonehaugh-Cholmondeley. (BTW Featherstonehaugh-Cholmondeley, as every toffee-nosed upper-class Brit knows perfectly well, is pronounced Fanshaw-Chumley.)

Dear readers,

First let me thank my old chum, Patrick, for giving me this opportunity. He and I go back nearly forty years. We have both come a long way since we first met in the line of a soup kitchen in the East End of London. We had both hit rock-bottom due to too much partying during our mis-spent youth in the Swinging Sixties but we both soon pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and became successful entrepreneurs.

Sadly Patrick did not make a name for himself in politics as I did in spite of living in the USA where even the scum can rise from the bottom of the pond. I blame his lack of "killer instinct" for this. I also think he has gone a bit soft in his old-age probably because of watching too much American TV especially those dreadful sitcoms.

But let me proceed with my review of the world's events of the past year. First there is the Iraq War and the absolutely dreadful mess that we are making of it letting all those wogs run things their way instead of insisting that things get done our way. This whole mess could easily have been solved. We should simply have nuked them and let things simmer down for a few hundred years and then gone in and taken over the oil.

Next was all the nonsense about Mohammedans getting uppity in Europe. The dreadful Pakkies in Britain and those even worse French atrocities on two legs called Morroccans and Algerians. Well, the damned Frogs deserve it but I don't see why we have to put up with a bunch of coolies from our former colonies dictating to us how we should behave. What a shame we can't nuke them too.

Then Patrick was telling me all about the awful troubles you've been having with those Mexican wops running across your border like a bunch of termites; taking all your jobs, living on welfare and generally comporting themselves in the same uppity manner as our wogs and Pakkies. Again - what a pity you can't just nuke them.

Unfortunately the President of the USA is a bit of a pinko commie and seems intent on letting your country being over-run with nasty vermin. Well, that serves you right for not electing a sensible man like Pat Buchanan who would have not tolerated the uppity wogs.

Of course I shouldn't criticize the USA too much - throwing stones, glass houses etc - because the United Kingdom has completely gone to the dogs since vegetarian lesbian nannies seem to have taken over every department in government and will soon have us walking around dressed from head to foot in black sheets, eating sheep eyes and kowtowing to Mecca five times a day.

All this has caused our glorious monarch, Elizabeth, to turn gray over-night. Mind you, her children probably did that to her what with all their deplorable shennanigans, scandals, divorces and general decadence and debauchery. All I can say is that Victoria is spinning in her grave.

I was just saying to my dear friend, Lady Thatcher, the other day, "Maggie, it was a sad day when you were not able to build the neutron bomb. We would not have all these problems now if you had. Mohammedan terrorists, uppity wogs - we could have just nuked the lot of them."

Maggie, being a true lady, didn't say anything but just smiled and poured me another cup of tea. I however know her well enough to understand what that smile meant. Like me, she knows that all of our problems could be solved if some great leader with testicular fortitude would just stand up and say: "Nuke 'em all!"

Sincerely,

Glad the Impaler.